Bristol Theatre News

Parenting Terms and Definitions

A female who combines the roles of chef, taxi driver, cleaner, Early Years Practitioner, Health Care Assistant and general dogsbody with raising children. This role is unpaid.

A male who takes the role of dad to a child/ren. Has a tendency to delegate and panic when faced with multiple jobs.  Line manager is Mother. Expects medals when taking sole responsibility for child/ren when Mother is busy. Overlooks important attention to detail such as dirty coffee mugs and wet towels.

Target Practice or a reminder to buy scissors for those apron strings you keep tripping over.

Reward Chart
The death of a tree for a complete waste of time.

The Naughty Step
A complete waste of two hours resulting in ill temper and bad back.

Chilled White Wine
Solves most parenting problems when served at 10pm – to adults.

Volcano Moment
This comes when you are on hold to either HMRC, BT, British Gas, having already waited two hours for the number 1 bus, spent 4 hours at the local children’s ED and have come home to a floor covered in LEGO and a beautifully executed Picasso inspired painting on the wall.

Invisible Parenting
The moment you realise that because you are now behind a pram, you are invisible to every member of society who is not. This dawning realisation usually hits when you are in a queue and some blighter blatantly pushes in front of you.

A chance to practice those invisibility skills.

Pavement Rage
You cannot continue your journey along a pavement – and not for the first, second or even tenth time because:

A. The pavement is being dug up – move into the road
B. A car/lorry/van has parked across some or the entire width of the pavement – move into the road

Generalised Rage
It’s built up since you left the postnatal ward three years ago. Dropping plates can be cathartic.

Parent Picnic
You have done your weekly shop and decide to tuck into the best bits before you have left the car park. It’s for the child’s own good. You don’t want them being obese do you?

The Windmill
The moment you tear down the garden flailing arms and making growling noises because the cat two doors down is taking the third dump of the day in your garden.

Performance Parenting
Not quite in the league of Tiger Mother, but performance parenting is a combination of pushy parent and the continual overly audible drip-feeding of knowledge way above the child’s comprehension for the benefit of passers-by. Performance Parents have also read the books and can be seen dealing with tantrums, incidents and any bad behaviour their child presents with the minimum of fuss and a smug smile.

Park Rage
When your child is sat patiently at the top of the slide and somebody else’s child is stood at the bottom not letting them come down. Other parent thinks this is:

A. Acceptable
B. Cute/Funny
C. Doesn’t even know because they are busy gassing somewhere else

Bounty Book Voice
The soft but enthusiastic voice you use to try and cajole your young child into doing something they don’t want to do. This steadily becomes more strained until you sound a little unhinged.

Pram Rage
A term to cover many scenarios.

Pram Rage can occur when a parent loses patience if they cannot get past another pram which has been left centrally placed in aisle, pavement or other situation stopping oncoming parent from getting by. Usually occurring through pram blocker’s basic lack of awareness of people around them.

Surprise Drive Manoeuvre
As you are about the cross the road, a car suddenly decides to come around the corner having given no prior warning or indication.

Perspective Parenting
Let’s keep things in perspective, one Greggs sausage roll and an orange Fruit Shoot does not warrant an immediate phone call to social services.

Cappuccino Crush
The polite yet frantic rush to get into the Tobacco Factory Theatre’s auditorium which is unreserved seating. The alpha-audience members then take the best seating and cover up to 15 seats with their jumpers and coats for people who don’t turn up until 30 seconds before the performance starts.

Front-line Parenting
Parenting from the front line. A bad day for parents who can only get their child to do what they are told through barking orders and taking a military approach.

Ivory Towers Parent
Looks down their nose and is vocal about parenting techniques and lifestyles that they disapprove of. Generally lurks around forums for mothers taking cheap shots and making snide comments. Looks down nose at the paupers on Working Tax Credit but happy to add Child Benefit to the kitty.

The Ironing Board Manoeuvre
Child presents strong, flat, stiff resistance to being put into a buggy or pushchair. Appearance is similar to an ironing board. This skill develops in children around the age of two-years.

The Asda Plank 
When child aged around two years and above lies down in middle of baked bean aisle, flails limbs and shrieks loudly. This position is not tolerated in Waitrose or Marks and Spencer. No really, especially Marks and Spencer. Experienced.

The Asda Breakdown
When parent aged around thirty years upwards lies down in middle of baked bean aisle, flails limbs and shrieks loudly. This also applies should you be holding a bike horn from the cycle section. Asda really don’t like their customers doing this. Unless you are in Asda Bedminster where nobody will notice.

The Aldi Epiphany
The moment when you realise that yes, you really do need to buy a car engine and nail gun with your Choceur bunny and pint of milk.

The Walk of Shame
Now it’s no longer anything to do with the night before, but the moment you have to traipse up to the main door of your children’s school to gain entry and sign the late book. Reason for being late? Well life just happened didn’t it. You would have been on time if you hadn’t had to deal with Pavement Rage, Generalised Rage, The Ironing Board Manoeuvre and the Volcano Moment. But nevermind, because there are the Ivory Towers Parents all looking down their noses at you as you are executing your best unhinged Bounty Book voice hurrying your children along. It will all be over very quickly when you can pop into Aldi for a cow prod to use tomorrow before rolling in the frozen aisle at Asda for the Breakdown.